Looking different

   My daughter has a surgery coming up. The first surgery was more of a thing to do to lead up to this surgery. It was a "lets just hope she comes out of anesthesia okay" kind of surgery. This time, next week, her whole face changes. It might just be a quick sew up of a gap she was born with that most people dont have. So its a surgery to make her look more main stream. But it is HER face that is changing. The face that smiles to me every single morning when I unswaddle her. The face that gives me dirty looks when I attempt to get a smile. The face her brother has come to love, even with her "booger screw". The face that has melted daddys heart and even opened his wallet up to spend a few extra bucks on some cute dresses. The face that many strangers have seen and asked me questions about and given me many blessings. No one in our 4, almost 5 months with this face has been anything but supportive and loving and encouraging. This face is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen (biased, I know). This face is my daughter. And its about to change.
   I know why its needed. I know that there are many people out there who have had this surgery before and "you cant even tell". I know that her surgeons have done this many times before. But this is my daughter. And she is changing. The girl I kiss, and hug, and love, is changing the way she looks. Its not a big deal. Its going to be fine. I will love her just the same. Its very hard to express how it feels for your child to be cosmetically altered. And its also not something that people can offer words too. No one likes to hear "theres more fish in the sea" after a breakup. Its the same as "But she will still be beautiful". You know the statements are both true but at the moment, they dont matter or have meaning to the way you feel about the situation. I am going to grieve my daughters unique face and that has nothing to do with how I will feel about the new one. And I am well aware of how much worse things could be or other problems we could have had. But this is my right now feeling of my right now situation. I have only a few days left to love my daughter the way she was born. I of course will love her after.
  For the record, surgery will not make her more beautiful. Thats not possible. She is as beautiful now as she will be after. I am her mother and to me, the face I see daily is going to look different. And its okay. But its a tug on your heartstrings.