Looking different

   My daughter has a surgery coming up. The first surgery was more of a thing to do to lead up to this surgery. It was a "lets just hope she comes out of anesthesia okay" kind of surgery. This time, next week, her whole face changes. It might just be a quick sew up of a gap she was born with that most people dont have. So its a surgery to make her look more main stream. But it is HER face that is changing. The face that smiles to me every single morning when I unswaddle her. The face that gives me dirty looks when I attempt to get a smile. The face her brother has come to love, even with her "booger screw". The face that has melted daddys heart and even opened his wallet up to spend a few extra bucks on some cute dresses. The face that many strangers have seen and asked me questions about and given me many blessings. No one in our 4, almost 5 months with this face has been anything but supportive and loving and encouraging. This face is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen (biased, I know). This face is my daughter. And its about to change.
   I know why its needed. I know that there are many people out there who have had this surgery before and "you cant even tell". I know that her surgeons have done this many times before. But this is my daughter. And she is changing. The girl I kiss, and hug, and love, is changing the way she looks. Its not a big deal. Its going to be fine. I will love her just the same. Its very hard to express how it feels for your child to be cosmetically altered. And its also not something that people can offer words too. No one likes to hear "theres more fish in the sea" after a breakup. Its the same as "But she will still be beautiful". You know the statements are both true but at the moment, they dont matter or have meaning to the way you feel about the situation. I am going to grieve my daughters unique face and that has nothing to do with how I will feel about the new one. And I am well aware of how much worse things could be or other problems we could have had. But this is my right now feeling of my right now situation. I have only a few days left to love my daughter the way she was born. I of course will love her after.
  For the record, surgery will not make her more beautiful. Thats not possible. She is as beautiful now as she will be after. I am her mother and to me, the face I see daily is going to look different. And its okay. But its a tug on your heartstrings.

Logan loves his sister

He became a very protective big brother right away. First morning home, he had to see her before Matt and I. I have to get them both in the car together or he gets worried. He wants to know where she is at all times. If she is not where he thinks she is, we have to show him she is fine in a different place. Of course he is a bit rough. He would jump on her if we let him. He wants to kiss her a lot which involves practically smothering her. But he gets his kisses in and we have kept her safe from him so far.

Logan turned 2!

We had yet to plan Logans birthday party because Emelia was due around his actual birthday. She came 2 weeks before instead of 2 weeks after. Logans birthday fell on a sunday. We decided fairly last minute to have a BBQ including us and Logans grandparents. Then we decided to invite the whole family who watched Logan on vacation. We also thought Emelia would be home for it since we were supposed to take her home a few days before but she had a brady episode. Our mini BBQ turned into a Mickey Mouse themed Birthday BBQ. Logan got a few presents from Matt and I and he opened presents from his secret birthday buddies (secret santa, birthday edition, with some other moms). Small, simple, and he had a blast! 

A blast I tell ya!

Logan is an extremely fun 2 year old. His little self is taking in the big world at a very fast pace. He is both smart and curious like he should be. He is funny and smart and a bit of a pain in the butt. But I wouldnt trade him for anything. He is such a blast to have in my life every day and we laugh often. Love you buddy!

NICU/CCN

      Emelia was taken to a different hospital to be in their NICU. We didnt anticipate the NICU since our hospital was comfortable with the cleft lip and palate but they felt with all the combined issues, she would be best under more specialized care. She had slight respiratory issues and was having trouble exerting energy because of her small size so she was not eating. Im not really sure of all the reasons because I was not exactly coherent from all that had just happened. I could not go with her because insurance had to approve my transfer (later found out it would have been around 5k to go without insurance consent) and it was sumday so it was not happening. After Baystate came for her, I was alone in a room. Matt left to visit her and go home so I could sleep. I didnt want to listen to him on an uncomfortable couch all night. It was a bit odd to have a daughter and yet, she was off somewhere else and I didnt really get to meet her. While in the NICU, they had her monitored, under lights, and she had a feeding tube in.

     All day monday, staff kept coming in to tell me they have tried every 30 mins to get in touch with insurance. Finally around 3, I was told I was approved. At 6, they came for me and Matt waved as they sent me on a stretcher (even though I could walk, I had to be transported by stretcher). As I arrived at the hospital, My mom was sitting waiting for me! She drove a few hours from their vacation to come say "hi". We went in, found my room, and raced to the NICU to see Emelia. My mom got to meet her and I got to see her a bit better. She was under lights for slight jaundice but I dont think the jaundice was ever a big concern. I settled into my new room, and quickly missed the other hospital. There was a reason I delivered at the hospital I did. 

   I went home home Wednesday morning, same day Emelia was released from the NICU and went into the CCN. It was odd with no kids at home since Logan was on vacation. Emelia still had the feeding tube but they were starting to try forcing the bottle. Its not that she didnt take the bottle (I could even do it at that point), it was because she would use a lot of energy to eat. She was loosing weight and they wanted her to use very little energy so as soon as she acted done eating, they put the rest down the tube. 

  The rest of her stay was spent trying to get her to take full feeds and gain weight. We visited twice a day most days and at least once on a few occasions. When Logan met her, it was as if he instantly knew she was his sister. He seemed to understand that she was ours and he did kiss her on the first visit. He did much much better than we imagined. We couldnt visit long with him since he is only 2, but I think visiting her helped him understand that he had a sister.

  Eventually, Emelia pulled out her tube and they left it out. We were given a go home date. The morning we were to pick her up, they called and said she had a brady, her heart rate got too low. She was in for 4 more days. We went to cpr and monitor training on a monday to take her home on tuesday. Except when we got there Monday, they said she was coming home with us! First night home was awesome. Logan was amazing and kept giving her unprompted kisses. The next morning, he woke up and wanted to see "sister". 

Emelia Rose Bard

    On thursday 7/18, I had a routine appointment but it was my first time being checked. I was closed up and no where near ready. Dr Jones told me to go on my vacation and enjoy myself. Considering I was overdue with Logan, I was not counting on going early with bb2. I did have my bags fairly packed though just in case. I also put my favorite yoga pants in my hospital bag rather than my suitcase for vacation. I packed everything we needed for vacation into 2 large tupperware bins and had everything we needed to survive for the week.
  I posted about vacation, so day 1 of vacation was covered. Drove 2 1/2 hours away, chilled by the lake and went to bed. Matt and I woke up at 7am, and Logan was still sleeping. Matt went to go get himself a cup of coffee and I laid in bed. I looked at Logan sleeping and thought about how fun this week is going to be. In the same breath, my water broke. I hadnt moved or done anything to make it break, I was just laying on my back. I got up and ran to the bathroom in my room. My mindset was like "Oh my gosh". I called Matt upstairs and he slowly came, thinking I was just calling him because Logan woke up. I had a towel around my waist and he looked at me like "uh..." " My water broke". The look on my face must have said it all because he believed me right away.
  Logan stirred and Matt got him up while I went to my moms room to tell her. Her face was priceless too. We rushed to get our unpacked stuff a bit more organized. I took Logans stuff and put it into 1 bin or on the bed and Matt brought our stuff to the car. The whole house at this point knew what was going on. I thought about what to do about my water being broke and grabbed a bunch of Logans diapers. Yes, I put a diaper in my pants. And went out the door. Saying goodbye to my son and family. I started getting light contractions that were time-able at 12-14 mins apart and lasting almost a minute. I called my dr about 30 minutes into the drive since service was crappy. It was the same dr who told me to go on vacation. Jokes on me!  About an hour from the hospital Matt asked if we could stop so he could pee. Sure, why not?
   The whole car ride, we talked about how maybe it wasnt my water. But I knew it wasnt pee. Maybe we will be back in NY in a few hours. I didnt feel more water pour out and I was starting to doubt myself. Until we got to the hospital, and I gushed as soon as we got out of the car. Got to L&D and they handed me a gown. I soaked the bathroom floor. I dripped to the bed. The nurse asked the dr if she wanted to test it to see if it was my water. the dr looked dumbfound "She soaked the floor! no question it was her water". Dr Jones checked me and I was barely at 1cm and I was having no noticeable contractions/ It had been about 5 hours since my water had broken by the time I was settled. The dr asked if I wanted to just go ahead with a repeat C-sec and do it now and get it done. Uh.... I forgot about that. Sure.
   So we now had consent forms and talks and preparations and people coming in to explain and stuff that was a bit of a whirlwind. We texted a few people and called some others and headed down the hall. It is so much different getting a c-sec when your fully coherent. With Logan, I had labored all day, pushed for 5 hours and been on Magnesium. This time, I was fully there. We go into the bright white sterile room and there are people everywhere.
   The anesthesiologist was amazing. He was almost like my own personal doula and kept me grounded by talking to me and explaining everything and couching me through how I felt. He would tell me when I was at the nauseous phase and when I would stop puking, He was telling me what they were doing and how it was going. He was telling me over and over that the way I was feeling (or not!) was okay and keeping my head grounded while not being able to feel my legs and such. I dont think I could have done without him (besides the use of his meds!). Matt was holding my hand. He was good too. Everytime I squeezed he got worried I was feeling pain and the anesthesiologist assured him I was not in pain, and I wasnt. I got anxious knowing we were about to find out if bb2 was a boy or girl. They could not get baby out. Baby was stuck up high and not budging. They were pushing on my stomach and pulling and pushing and more pushing. Apparently they even got the vacuum out and eventually the baby was out.
   The dr asked Matt if he wanted to announce the gender. So Matt looked. And looked. And took his sweet time telling me. I couldnt see his face expression under the mask. Then he said "I think its a girl". You think?? who says that??!!??. The dr then said "Its a girl Kristin" and I was bawling. Apparently Matt couldnt get a good look while they were rushing around with her. They did her once over and decided she needed oxygen. They couldnt bring her to me because I was puking as they closed me back up. Off she went. I was taken back to my room and Matt was able to go visit her.
   He used facetime in the nursery and I got to see her. Then the pediatricial came in to tell me about her. We knew about the lip, but were being told the palate was cleft also (not a surprise). She needed oxygen and they felt she would be better cared for at Baystate in the nicu. I signed papers and was told Baystate would send their team over to take her, but it wasnt a rush situation. I couldnt see her because I couldnt move but was assured I would see her before she was transferred. Everyone wanted to know a name, but I had no name till I could hold her and see her. We had a few on our list and it was up to me to make the final decision (I have a good husband).
   The Baystate team came and got baby ready to transport via ambulance. They brought her into the room and I was able to hold her. I had 6 people plus my husband watching me meet my daughter and giver her a name. Awkward. They took her away and I sent Matt on his way also. I did not need to hear him trying to sleep on an uncomfortable couch all night, and I wanted to get some good sleep. I could not go be with my baby because it was Sunday and insurance was not available to approve my hospital transfer. I had an amazing nurse that night, who made me peanut butter toast as soon as I was ready to eat. She walked with me a few times that evening and night and brought my pain meds on time. I got some sleep between facebook, texting and browsing the interwebs for girl clothes and looking for a bedding set.
 
I had a girl!
Emelia Rose Bard
7/21/13
1 pm
4lb 15oz
1pm

Vacation 2013

When I was younger, we used to take week long lake trips with the family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and grandpas boat. So as a family, we decided it was time (it had been 20 years since the last all family trip with the boat!). After a few years of wanting too and a another year of planning, we had a house. A big house. Everyone had a room and most had their own bathroom. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, our youngest generation, a few strays, and grandpas boat. This house was full, and the boat was more full. To get there, the boat was packed with a freezer that had preplanned meals for the week. It had outdoor toys for the little ones, and probably some yard work equipment to keep a few ladies busy. Our cars were all filled to the top with kids, clothes, food, stuff and junk. We had a week on the lake. How awesome does this trip sound? After looking forward to it since we payed a year in advance, we were on our way to Brant Lake New York. An easy 2 1/2 drive. I was 35 weeks and 6 days pregnant. My dr told me to go as I was no where near labor 2 days before leaving. Logan was born at 41 weeks so having a baby was the least of my concerns. I was going to be lazy while everyone took care of my kid, well planned.

On our way! He napped a bit and then watched Curious George.

This was our back yard for the week.

We had kayaks, row boats, canoes and peddle boats to use. Matt enjoyed our first evening there on the lake,

Logan liked making the boat go "beep"

Wonder what cassette tape is in the player.

Didnt plan for Logan to be wet but its vacation! anything goes!

This was dinner and a good view of some of the people in the house. Some people keft after a few nights, others came at the end of the week

And that concludes MY vacation. Baby Bard 2 decided to come at 36 weeks. Day 2 of vacation. That will be next post. For now, I leave you with my original plan of having my family take care of Logan on vacation. I did think I would be there sitting around watching and napping and maybe crocheting. Instead, I was not there, nor was Matt. Logan stayed the rest of week and enjoyed every moment of it. He had no clue what was going on at home.

But they put him to work to earn his keep. Even though at this point, he had payed more than any person there for a single occupant and he didnt even have his own room.

Vacation.

mmmm. I missed Sundae night :(

Glad I didnt have to bath him after all this playing.

At least he had a buddy to play with.

Logan had a blast. Thats what matters most. Good news is, This house is booked for next year and I have every intention of being there the full week! I will not miss sundae night again! 

Logans 2 year chart

Happy Birthday little buddy!

Mastered skills most can do-
Can name at least 6 body parts on a doll:   Nose, ears, eyes, mouth, head, knees, feet, toes, fingers, nipples
Half of speech is understandable:   Usually. depends on the topic of conversation.
Can make short sentences:   "I go poop" (even though he did not). Yes

Emerging skills half can do-
Starts talking about self:   "I go poop"
Can arrange things in categories:  not sure we have had him try.....
Can walk downstairs:   oh yes.

Advanced skills few can do-
Begins to understand abstract concepts like sooner and later: sort of ish.... but not really.
Becomes attuned to gender differences: not yet. He has a penis and im wondering how he will react when he sees sister does not.
Learns to jump:  oh yes

Jake and Makaylas Birthday party...

ice cream

We went to the Gran-Val Scoop for ice cream